From Traumatized to Fulfulled

I don't talk a lot about my personal birth experience.

Sure, I complain about being pregnant because that was a process that was not kind to me in any shape, form, or fashion. I also tell plenty of stories about how my child flat out refused to sleep and I nearly had a nervous breakdown at 7 months old from sheer exhaustion. But, I skip the birth. Why?

It was and still is the most traumatic experience of my life.

Parts of it can still get me riled up but, for the most part, I've come to terms with tLG's birth story. It's really hard to explain with words the way her birth affected me and it's nearly impossible for someone else to understand unless they have experienced a traumatic birth themselves. It took me a year before I could even begin to process what happened, much less talk about it. For 365 days, I looked at my perfect baby and felt that she was ruined. I was broken and she was imperfect because of it. Trust me, there ain't no crazy like first time mom crazy especially when trauma is involved. Back then, if you would have told me I would become a doula, passionate about all things pregnancy, birth, and babies, I would have laughed. And probably cried too. I cried a lot back then.

By the time tLG was four I couldn't get enough of learning about pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding. It was healing in a way. During those years I had become the go-to person in my circle of friends, and even acquaintances, for advice on these topics. That's when I first thought about pursing doula certification. I started the process but, after reading the first chapter of the first book on the recommended list, I was emotional and furious all over again. I wasn't ready. Even though my traumatic birth experience was the spark that started this whole journey, I knew I couldn't be a good doula while still carrying my own baggage. A year later I was finally able to read through the books without getting enraged and mourning my birth experience. I completed my certification and started attending births with a fresh and open perspective. I felt free! FINALLY!

If you would have told me I would go to Africa on a mission trip and put those doula skills to use, again, I would have laughed. Hysterically, this time. I don't do foreign lands.

In the US, doulas follow a scope of practice that limits us to emotional and physical support only. Doulas do not perform medical tasks. When we recognize warning signs or are presented with medical questions, we give our clients resources and refer them back to their care provider to discuss their options and finalize their decision. I take my scope of practice very seriously but that has not prevented me from continuing my training and knowledge to gain additional skills. Birth is sometimes unpredictable. I like to be prepared. It's my darn type A personality. I've never had to use these skills and I don't advertise them but they are are a nice little tool to own. Just in case.

Fast forward to June 2014 and I hopped on a plane to Uganda, Africa. There, I'm not bound by scope of practice. As a certified doula, I have more training than most of their TBAs (traditional birth attendants). Not only was I teaching comfort measures on a daily basis but I was answering questions about pregnancy and birth. It took me a day or so to settle in and realize that even though I was prevented from answering such medical questions in the US, I may be the only "care provider" these women have ever seen and will ever see during this pregnancy. Any sound knowledge was better than none at all and certainly better than what they may hear from the local witchdoctor.

On some days I worked alongside a midwife, other days I worked alongside a nurse, but occasionally it was just me and a translator. Most of the questions and symptoms we encountered were mild and easily resolved but if a question was outside of my knowledge bank, I encouraged them to go to the clinic or hospital. I was also doing basic examinations including blood pressure, fundal height, fetal positioning, and heart tones. I can't tell you how amazing it felt to be able to put my skills and knowledge to use. I didn't have to tuck it away and hide it anymore. Not only that, but it was appreciated by the on-the-ground medical workers who needed reinforcements. In addition, we were welcomed by the village women who sometimes don't have access to medical care either because of transportation or financial reasons.

Several of my friends and family have said that seeing pictures of me in Uganda brought smiles to their faces and tears to their eyes. Even I look at these pictures and see the glow on my face. I was in my element and loving every second of it. I never in a million years would have guessed that measuring, palpating, and dopplering (ha!) bellies would be in my skill set and that I would enjoy doing it. I love talking pregnancy, birth, and babies to no end.

In Uganda, it is estimated that our team helped educate over 1000 women and worked with at least 150 in a clinical setting in the span of 10 days. Crazy, huh? What's even crazier is trying to wrap my mind around the fact that the most traumatic event of my life spurred me on to complete the most fulfilling thing I've ever done. On a different continent, no less.

And now that I'm home, I'm wondering, what in the world is next? Clearly I'm no good at predicting where this passion is taking me. I guess I'll do what I've always done.... approach it with with a fresh and open perspective.

My 2012 Doula Babies

This year has been amazing! Not only was I able to complete my doula training and become certified but I was also privileged to help 5 amazing families. I'd like to take a moment recap what I experienced in 2012.

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• Surprisingly, the babies were all girls! It's also interesting to note that I had 1 Leap Day baby and 1 New Year's Eve baby.

• I had 3 clients having their 1st baby and 2 clients having their 2nd baby. 

• Earliest delivery was 37 weeks, 1 day and the longest was 42 weeks, 1 day (both 2nd time moms). The average gestation was 287 days or 41 weeks for my 1st time moms. 

• The shortest labor was 90 minutes and the longest labor was 18 hours.

• I attended 1 home birth and 4 hospital births (Baptist, Williamson, Vanderbilt, Centennial). 

• Midwives were present at 2 of the births, and an obstetrician was present at the other 3.

• An epidural was chosen 40% of the time. 

• Pitocin was only used in 2 cases to control bleeding in the 3rd stage of labor (delivery of the placenta). 

• All my clients delivered vaginally, including 1 VBAC. 

• There were no inductions and no episiotomies. 

• To date, all moms are still breastfeeding. 

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I can't wait to get started in 2013! It's such an honor and privilege to be present for the birth of a baby. I take this job very seriously and have a great love and devotion for each and every family that I work with. It's wonderful to finally be actively working in a field I am so passionate about.

A Doula Story: Supported Hospital VBAC

I was downright giddy after my first doula birth but I am an emotional mess (in a good way) after this second one. I just stood side-by-side my Nashville bestie as she delivered her sweet baby girl. For this story to make any sense, you are gonna need a little background info.

Her first baby was delivered by emergency C-section around 35 weeks for IUGR and baby spent a few weeks in the NICU before going on to become the amazing, perfectly healthy, 4-year old that he is now. For this pregnancy, mom had to overcome some serious mental and medical obstacles. She feared that this pregnancy would be a repeat of the first resulting in another NICU stay after a planned cesarean. However, mom desperately wanted a VBAC. The first step was getting past 32-34 weeks because this is where things went downhill last time. Mom's cervix also started thinning early. We had many late night conversations to work through her concerns and to help her trust her body and our God. I will always remember those chats fondly. Once 37 weeks arrived, we celebrated that she was full term. Mom now faced the possibility of an induction if she went too long. Ultimately, this would mean an automatic repeat cesarean due to the concern of uterine rupture by her OB. Mom researched her options. I continued to reassure and encourage her.

Fast forward to 37 weeks, 3 days. Mom called saying she "thinks" her water might have broken. We chatted for a bit and I was convinced. I arrived to their home and mom was excited that labor was actually beginning and this was not more Braxton-Hicks. Contractions were 3-4 minutes apart and lasting about 30-45 seconds. Her OB requested for them to come in to the hospital so we loaded up. It took about an hour after arrival to finally get mom checked in and situated in her room. Mom was at 5-6 cm. Let me tell ya, hospitals love them a paper trail and they like to ask lots of questions, over and over. Hospitals also love their policies and protocols. Despite her OB being okay with intermittent monitoring, hospital policy said she had to be on continuous monitoring. Her Group B strep test had not come back yet so they automatically gave antibiotics. Because she got IV antibiotics she had to have IV fluids as well. All of the above said she had to wear a blood pressure cuff which automatically inflated every 15 minutes. This is a perfect example of how one intervention leads to many. We asked for a couple of alternatives but they were denied. They did finally allow mom to be out of bed but she couldn't go far because of the wires. She really only had about 2 somewhat comfortable positions to use that would also keep baby on the monitor. Mom wasn't necessarily happy about these policies either but she took it like a champ and carried on in spite of being hooked up to lines left and right.

Mom labored quite easily for several hours. A nurse would appear any time baby was off the monitor, reposition mom, and then leave. Things started to get more intense around 3:30 a.m. Mom was still doing great and showing good signs of progress. Dad and I helped mom with whatever she needed. She has doing fantastic with her breathing and was coping very well. Mom was definitely in active labor but the atmosphere was calm and peaceful. Around 4:45, mom moved to a side lying position. This slowed things down considerably. I let mom have a little rest because I knew she needed it. I also knew if contractions stopped completely, that they would push pitocin. After a short rest, we got mom back up on hands and knees. Mom felt a little pushy so the nurse came in to check her. She said mom was a 7-8. As I expected, that number was devastating for mom to hear. I knew she was right there because she was showing all the signs of transition (sweating, nausea, feeling pressure, thinking she can't do it anymore). This is where labor becomes a mental battle. She labored just a bit longer but couldn't quite seem to get in front of the contractions so she asked for her options regarding pain relief. Even then, she waited about another 10 minutes before choosing an epidural. Considering her frustration with all the monitors and belts and IV lines, I was thrilled that mom had made it this far.

Anesthesia arrived and we were told that only one non-medical person can be allowed in the room while they place the block. Her husband was the obvious choice so I voluntarily left the room. This may have been the hardest part of the night for me. I stood alone in the hallway and listened to my friend and client try her best to cope with contractions on her own. I knew that strangers were asking her to get into an impossibly uncomfortable position and remain absolutely still. After standing side by side with her all night long, I now felt helpless. Not being able to verbally reassure and physically comfort this mom was painful for me. After what seemed an eternity (apx. 30 minutes), I was finally allowed back into the room. Mom could still feel her contractions but they were much more manageable. I told mom this would be a good time to rest as I suspected she would be ready to push with the next shift change.

Mom, Dad, and I got comfy and closed our eyes. We had a whopping 10 minutes before the day nurse arrived and asked to check mom. Mom was complete so she prepared the bed and coached mom on how to push from her back. Mom asked for the epidural to be turned down so that she could feel some pressure that might help her know how to push. Baby was already at +3 station at this point and her head was visible from the very first push. They asked mom her preference on a few decisions. This was the other difficult part of the process for me. As a doula, my job is to provide information but I absolutely cannot make decisions for the parents. Mom looked right at me. I simply held mom's gaze and gave her a reassuring smile knowing that she would make the appropriate choice on her own. Had she asked me a question or for more information, I would have happily provided it. However, time seemed to stand still as I watched her weigh the pros and cons in her own mind. It was a proud moment to see her make these decisions and stand up for her preferences.

The day shift folks seemed to be a lot more reasonable and were much more laid back. At this point, all signs were pointing to the fact that this would be a successful VBAC and I was doing a little happy dance in my head. Mom had pushed for just over an hour, when she delivered her baby. This was a huge emotional moment for mom, dad, and me. OB allowed the cord a full 3 minutes before he put the clamp on. Mom had not specifically asked for this but I was pleased to see him offer it and explain the benefits to the family. Dad had been really quiet all night long but really perked up during this final stage. He even cut the cord. I was really proud of him too. As they snuggled their baby girl, I teared up. She did it! My bestie really did it! From the very beginning, we prayed for a normal, normal, normal pregnancy, labor, and delivery and that's exactly what she got. She patiently waited, trusted, worked hard and got her VBAC! Little miss weighed 7 pounds 7 ounces. It just doesn't get more "normal" than that! :)

Baby was very calm and content while dad snuggled her. I just love seeing the dads with their baby girls. When baby started sticking her tongue out mom gave nursing another try. She latched right on and proceeded to nurse for a good 30 minutes, both sides. I showed mom a couple of positions and she was doing fantastic with it! This was also something new and different and "normal" compared to her first birth. Mom and I were both simply ecstatic!

When I left, mom and dad were all squared away and studying the precious face of their new daughter. Let me tell ya, this particular hospital isn't exactly known for their VBAC rate so I definitely walked out of there with my head held high. Now, I was an emotional basket case for the rest of the day but it was for good reason. Part of my emotional state was the fact that I ended up going 36 hours before finally getting some sleep but also because I was just so happy and proud for this mamma.

Looking back on the whole experience, the best part was hearing both mom and dad say, "I'm so glad you were here. I don't know what we would have done without you." That, my friends, is what this is all about.

And here's a little Facebook evidence to prove it! :)

A Doula Story: My 1st Client

I just helped my 1st official client as a doula and it was nothing short of spectacular. Seriously, I don't know how a birth can get much better than this one. I am downright giddy with the details. First, this mom is also a friend of mine who has been encouraging me to pursue my doula training way before she was pregnant with this baby. She asked me to be present at this birth before I was even actively pursing my certification and I was so honored to be trusted and welcomed for their experience. Secondly, this mama chose to deliver at The Farm, which is world renowned. I was literally star struck the first time I visited for her prenatal appointments. Thirdly, This mamma trusted her body and this process from the very beginning. I love that she was eating healthy and geting chiropractic adjustments regularly. She started acupuncture in the last few weeks and waited for her body to go into labor on its own without interventions despite the fact that she was 42 weeks, 1 day. Based on her previous pregnancy, I'm convinced that she just takes a little longer to grow her babies. The fact that she delivered a perfectly healthy, average-sized baby is proof. Finally, this was a Leap Day baby! It was such a memorable day to begin with and now will be one that I will never forget. In fact, this momma had picked February 29th as her guess date from the very beginning. I'm a huge fan of mother's intuition. Sometimes, we just KNOW!

Labor Timeline

Mom called me about 2:30 having regular contractions but they were just starting to get uncomfortable. She texted me at 4:15 that they were consistently 10 mins apart and painful. I am an hour and a half from The Farm so I decided to make my way down there. I arrived at 6:30. Mom said they were now 7 mins a part. I watched her for a few contractions and she was handling them beautifully. She was making good noises and coping well. She commented several times how much better natural labor was versus being induced in the hospital like her last birth. She ate a few bites of dinner and I noticed that her contractions seemed to be coming a little closer at this point. She timed a few and they were indeed now 5 mins apart. She decided she would take a shower and then try to lie down and rest. I could hear that the contractions were definitely getting closer together. Mom was still jubilant so I changed into some comfy clothes and got out my journal.

Mom tried to sleep but called for me to be with her about 10 minutes later. She was still doing well with the contractions, making good noises, and squeezing my hand. Things were definitely picking up and she decided she was ready for the tub so I started making calls to her midwife. The backup midwife called us back and said she was on her way. I gave an update on mom's contractions (4-5 mins a part & lasting over a minute) and she decided she would call for the midwife who lives next door to come check on us. Mom could no longer lie down so we got her changed into her swim top and moved to the floor on hands & knees with the birthing ball. At this point, she was asking for some counter pressure on her back and I was happy to oblige.

The next-door midwife arrived and checked mom who was now having contractions about 2-3 minutes apart. She was "very open, dear" with a bulging bag of water. The midwife began to get everything set up and gently prepare mom that she may have this baby before the tub arrived. Mom's water broke. Dad had just gotten their son to sleep in the next room and came in. The backup midwife also arrived around this time. When mom said she didn't think she could do this without the tub, we all looked at each other and grinned (this was a good sign as far as transition is concerned). We gave her some verbal reassurance that she was doing fantastic because she absolutely was. She had a good rhythm and ritual (rocking, vocalizing), was generally content (aside from wanting the birth tub), and clearly communicating what she needed. Mom commented that with her last birth this is where she got stuck because she was scared but "I'm not scared this time." This statement made me swell with pride. I always say that knowledge is power and this momma was using all the information she had gleaned in the last few months to overcome her fears. ♥

With my hands on her back, I could feel her tailbone expanding and I told mom that baby was definitely on the move down. Mom started to sound a little "grunty" and the midwife gave her verbal confirmation that she could push if she wanted to. Three pushes later, at 9:17 p.m., she delivered her baby. Mom had chosen not to have an ultrasound during her pregnancy so the gender was a surprise. Dad announced that they now have a new baby GIRL!

We helped mom and baby get skin-to-skin up to the bed. Mom is euphoric and says "that really wasn't that hard." I think the fact that she was mentally prepared and had such a joyous attitude had a lot to do with that! At this point, her primary midwife arrived. Sometime later, Dad cut the cord. We all stood around oohing and ahhing and talking about how fast everything happened. We watched mom and dad both fall instantly in love with their daughter. Eventually baby was ready to nurse and had a great latch. Baby nursed for a good long while and then they took her weight and length and gently did her newborn exam. Dad did some skin to skin while they checked mom again and helped her get settled. We left with mom and dad snuggled into bed with their precious baby. *swoon*

Observations

I had been wondering for weeks how I would handle my role as a doula. Hands down, this was the most amazing experience ever! I was never anxious and felt very calm. I was very trusting of mom's ability and the entire process. I felt like I was recognizing all the right signs as far as how fast this labor was progressing, which was reassuring. I felt I was able to read mom's body language to be able to determine when contractions were beginning and ending. This was all confirmation that I have been learning the right things and retaining that information. I loved how knowledgeable the midwives were knowing exactly what mom needed and how she was doing without constant monitoring. I especially loved how she didn't use a number when she checked her and allowed mom to stay on hands and knees to deliver. They just worked around whatever mom thought was best. I adored how this family was allowed as much time as they needed to bond (2 hours) before they began the full postnatal check. Even then, they were very, very gentle and baby never fussed. In fact, from the time she was born until I left 3 hours later, I only heard her cry one sweet, short cry. There is something to be said for babies who are born peacefully.

Overall, I had the best possible client delivering under the most ideal circumstances at the most birth-friendly location on the most memorable day of the year. It was a literally a Dream. Come. True. (!!!!)